Can you feel it? The energy of 2020. I don't know about you, but I have high hopes for the upcoming year. Maybe I'm setting myself up for failure and having too much expectations, but there's nothing wrong with setting intentions. Another thing that will be happening in 2020 is that I'll be turning 30. How the heck did I get here so quickly? I swear I was just on the playground yesterday. Maybe it's because I was by subbing for a P.E. class last week. Hehe.
There's nothing I want more than for big changes to happen in 2020, but the reality is that nothing will change if I do nothing about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm not actually here and that time doesn't exist, but my lower-back says otherwise.
For the past year, I've never felt more stuck, frustrated or hopeless in my entire life. These are unfamiliar feelings. I'm usually optimistic, motivated, and resilient, but I've felt more lows than highs, unless I was actually high.
The hard part is that I know I have all the answers to my questions. I know what I have to do to get to where I want to be, but I found myself chasing my own tail and distracted with mundane tasks, like over organizing my e-mails, text messages, and photos.
A few reasons (I think) why:
1. I stopped creating. No podcasts. No videos. No posts. (That's why this blog exists).
2. I'm constantly in a place where I don't want to be. My two jobs, apartment, and this town.
3. Difficulty connecting with others and finding community.
4. New projects didn't lift off as easy as they used to.
5. Me.
What I'm learning from this season is letting go of who I used to be and what I thought I wanted. It's difficult when I really liked who I was. Yes, naive, ignorant and even arrogant, but I felt confident, unstoppable, and ready to take on the world. Unfortunately and fortunately, I got my *ss handed to me. And it hasn't even been that bad, but my little heart can only take so much. I know God knows what He's doing, but damn...I can't wait for the come up!
So I'm just reveling in the uncomfortable and unsure. It's frustrating and even annoying, but I know it's happening for good reason. I know I need to go through this, so I can come back stronger and better than before.
-K.S.