It’s been exactly 6 hours since I’ve received my second covid-19 vaccination and I’m sitting in anxiousness for the side effects. This is the first weekend in San Diego and California, in general, is now “officially open.” I so happen to be out last night and walked my neighborhood streets of Downtown. After being here for a year and a half and witnessing the streets go from life to death and to life again has been a whirlwind. But something that I’ve been thinking about is how the majority of people had the chance to reflect, recharge, and reset. Whatever revelations and revolutions folks experienced this past year, I worked through it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have a job that was able to take care of me in a new city, but Starbucks Partners were the essential workers to the essential workers. We had front row seats to the 2020 show and ya’ll…I’m exhausted. Never finished…
Ayie Biie | The Popular Underdog
Am I Trans?
This past week I have been working heavily on the website. It’s been my first and last week in quarantine, so I wanted to take advantage of the time off and really build the foundation on the website.
Much of my website consists of following my curiosity and having a place to compile my findings. I’m intentional as I know this will be a resource for others someday, which leads to consuming tons of content and deciding what is best for the website.
I searched, “Professional masculine of center queer women of color.” Of course, limited content appears. I scroll and find a couple of things to click on to post. Copy URL>Teardrop>Video>Video URL>Apply>Save. Scroll. Scroll. Scroll. Just as I was about to give up, I come across this image and headline.
Neither male nor female: Why some nonbinary people are 'microdosing' hormones
Marisa Rivas never felt comfortable living as a woman, but doesn’t identify as a man either.
It somehow lead me to this YouTuber where I immersed myself in their content, until midnight.
@megemiko
After researching and watching more, I had to adjust my mission statement. This information alone was the missing piece for the past two years and what held me back from launching sooner. Transparently, I was not and still not educated on the trans community, let alone the queer community. I’ve strayed away from it over the years because I never felt like I fully belonged at places like Pride, but I didn’t feel like I belonged at protests either. So when making the decision on who this organization would be for, I claimed that I couldn’t guide (young) trans folks, because I didn’t identify with the community. Silly me, I have a lot to learn, but that’s been the best part of this website. I am still a young Tomboi with questions and finally have a place to put my answers.
It makes me wonder, what if I made an effort to be apart of the community over the years? Would TMBINTL have launched sooner? Would I be a different person? How would my story be different? I can’t dwell on it, but I can say this…I’m excited to get back out there to learn and be apart of the queer community! <3
Back to the core of this blog. I’m more into the idea of micro-dosing than I thought. To be honest, I never thought of myself as trans, but after hearing another born-female queer API (Asian/Pacific Islander) share their story, it makes me question my gender identity. It literally blew my mind. I still have research to do, but maybe this could be an option in the future.
Blessing in Disguise (COVID-19)
I’m anxious as I write this blog, even while drinking June Shine. I thought it would calm my nerves, but it’s only making my heartbeat louder.
Despite what’s currently going on in the world (COVID-19), I still believe that it’s all for good reason, even if we don’t know it yet.
It’s forcing us to focus on what’s more important and shake the world out of itself. For the past couple of decades, our society has created a lifestyle that was laughable to our ancestors. Think about it, we were taking pictures of our food and filming whole concerts. Athletic wear became normal wear and we counted calories and lived in online communities. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but we have really taken toilet paper for granted. I think about what my Lola (grandma in Tagalog) and what she did when she pooped in the past. The world was different back then, down to the foods we ate and the activities that took up our day. I really believe that we’re just going back to the way things used to be, just in a different society.
Here are some of my thoughts and personal examples below:
Education - as an educator at heart, this was difficult for me to accept. As much as I’d like to think that educators are important, it’s not necessary to be educated, especially in today’s technological world. Self-education will soon be the way for those who want to be educated and for those who can’t afford that luxury, they’ll do their part in their communities and families, just as it is in majority of the world.
Cooking and coffee - As someone who’s spent most of their adulthood making coffee and serving food to others, I’ve realized that it’s not a necessity. The only reason why we run on Dunkin’ is because of capitalism and laziness. Coffee isn’t the enemy, our 9-5 is. We have been programmed from elementary school that this is how the world works. I’m sure it stems from our days as farmers or hunters and gatherers, but the difference is that they made their own meals and maybe it’s time we get back to that. There’s creativity hidden in the kitchen, it’s not just for those who hold Canons and paint brushes.
Exercise - I’ve come to realize that as much as I’d like to, I don’t love working out as much as the Instagram models do. First off, the idea of paying $10-$75 for a gym membership is ridiculous, whether if there’s a cancellation fee or not. Last time I checked, warriors from the Spartan army “300” didn’t need a gym membership, but the boulders that the land offered. But it’s the year 2020 and there isn’t any immediate danger/enemy to fight off, as most of our “clans” have what they need. And since I haven’t expended most of my energy serving about 100 customers in thirty minutes, then I have the emotional and physical energy go for a walk, a jog if I’m really feeling it.
Relationships - I haven’t always been the best in this category (I blame my only-childness), but I’m getting better. I find myself wanting to reach out to old friends, since they may have the time also. As for my apartment complex, it may not be like the Italians, but I hear more conversations, music, and sounds than I’ve ever heard during my time living here. Maybe it’s time for some Americans to be more like the Italians (and other relational countries) and put more time and effort into each other.
Hobbies - Beyond Instagram, my younger co-workers are freaking out. They’ve watched all the movies and shows on Netflix, Disney+ and Hulu and don’t know what to with themselves. Well, it’s called “hobbies and interests” and if there is any category I excel in, it’s this one. As practically-an-only child, I have too many unfinished projects to count, but it’s about damn time I finish them.
Overall, I hope this shifts our perspective of not only educators, custodians, grocery store employees, sanitation services, and so many more, but to truly focus on ourselves and our well-being without all the extra stuff.
Be well friends,
-K.S.
Dear World...If I Die, I'm Sorry.
Listen to Explosions In The Sky - “First Breath After Coma” while reading, because it’s the song I wrote this to.
Dear World,
I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure out how to give back to you. You have given so much and I feel like I have given you so little. I have no one to blame, but myself. I got in my way. I was afraid of not only of my capabilities but of my greatness. I didn’t believe that I deserve all that you had to offer because I have already been given so much. How could I ever repay you? I know-how... by giving to others. But I was convinced that I had to do it in a BIG way because I felt that I was made for some sort of greatness. I knew that I wasn’t going to be the next Martin Luther King Jr. or Mother Theresa, but more like the next Ellen or Oprah. I knew I had it in me, but some things didn’t “click.” I put myself out there and moved with intention, but it wasn’t enough. I had to take bigger risks, swallow my pride and reason and be okay with being the “noob” in the room. I did what I could with what I knew, but the majority of it was excuses.
But it’s too late now. I’ll just be another soul that was privileged enough to take on a human form. The small body that I lived in had so much love to give and didn’t put it in as many hearts as it could. I turned the other cheek and questioned their existence, but that wasn’t for me to answer but to be an answer. I knew when to be still but questioned my certainty. I believed that everyone knew better than I knew me. I knew exactly what to do. I knew exactly what I wanted. And yet…I looked to others. Please give me the answers. Please tell me that I’m doing okay. Please tell me that I’m on the right path. Please tell me that I’m not throwing my potential away. But instead of looking for validation, I should've just been doing. I should’ve made the moves. I should’ve made the mistakes. I should’ve just done something, anything, instead of contemplating and strategizing.
I didn’t get to share all of me with you. And you know what? I think I’m pretty f*cking awesome. Don’t get me wrong, media would get the best of me, but one thing I could be proud of is that I stayed true to myself for the past 30 years. Three decades later, I could proudly say that I’ve continued to be the brat I’ve always been. And even though that may have annoyed others, the ones that mattered saw my heart. Yes, I asked a lot of questions. Yes, I thought I was right most of the time (with valid reasons!). Yes, I had to make the mistakes for myself before letting you lead, but eventually I learned. I learned that on some days I knew something and on most days I knew nothing, but I learned. I think at the end of the day that’s all you could ask from a human being. To just learn. Learn what you can. Learn about yourself, learn about each other, learn about the world, learn about how things work, learn about your history, learn about herstory, learn about how things are made, learn about what we’re made of. Learn about the sky, the moon, and the stars. Learn about the depths of our oceans and the depths of souls.
Continue to be curious. Don’t ever think that we know it all. Don’t take this time for granted. This is the time to connect and reconnect with each other and ourselves. Remember and rescue who we were before social media. Remember who was important to us. Remember what was important to us. Remember who we were before the followers, before being “picture ready,” before getting the right angle. Remember what we did for pure enjoyment before the internet. Was it poetry, skating, or drawing? Journal more, even if it’s just a few sentences a day. Cure our anxiety and depression. Go outside, breathe fresh air, and remember that we’re alive. Lay in a field of grass. Watch the clouds go by. Listen to our heartbeats. Take a deep breath and don’t be afraid of our thoughts. We’ve been given the incredible chance to be human, as messy and messed-up as we come. The best part? It’s all apart of the best story. We are f*cking amazing. We have survived. Can you believe it? Our grandchildren won’t believe us, but we did it. Don’t let this life go to waste.
The greatest tragedy would not be the virus, but if we didn’t learn anything from this.
Hopefully I’ll see you at the end of 2020,
-K.S.