In my last post, I talked about how I've been struggling mentally. The way I've been combatting it is by getting involved with the community by volunteering at festivals, conferences, and events. For the past two days, I've had the opportunity to attend the Ten West Impact Festival where each day had workshops that focused on a particular "role" that people play in our society. The two days I attended were creatives and educators, as I've been in the process of creating a platform that merges the two.
Today was focused on educators and as I was sitting in my first workshop, the speaker asked who was in the room if they weren't an educator. I raised my hand and began by saying, "I'm a product of an Arizona education..." and the next thing you know, tears begin to roll down my face and my words are caught in the back of my throat. I had no idea where these emotions were coming from, but they spilled out of me uncontrollably.
Embarrassed and ashamed that I started the conference like that, all I wanted to do was leave and take the day for myself to process these feelings, but something told me to stay and stick with it. So I let the emotions pass, got myself together and continued to attend workshops.
Throughout the day, people approached me to offer a solution or advice and some would say, "I love how passionate you are!" and I guess if you call crying, passion, I'll take it.
For the first time, I was sharing my idea of Tomboi International in an easy-to-understand way. "I'm creating a mentorship program for young tomboi girls like myself." That's when people began to give me their cards to get in touch because they had something to offer or wanted to collaborate. These moments became the first time that I truly felt like I made some progress in Tucson.
But as I reflect on how I felt this morning, I think I just feel like I have been failed as a student and child in Arizona. Even though it may not seem like it, as I'm naturally an optimistic go-getter, I still feel like a failure. I'm going to be 30 next year and it sounds like a familiar feeling for those who have gotten this far, but I can't help, but think that I should be so much further along than where I actually am and it doesn't help that my Facebook Memories is reminding me that I won Homecoming King seven years ago with Tony Peña.
Again, this brings me back to letting go of who that person was and the standards I've created for myself. I know that I'm not a failure, I continue to fail because I'm trying and because I'm trying that means I'm learning and I know that it's apart of the process to what I define as success.
So as I wipe my tears away, I'll try again tomorrow...
- K.S.