Instagram Post:
"Sooo...how do I start this? After scrolling through my feed, I learned that today is #MentalHealthDay and when it comes to my mental health, I thought I had it covered. But to be honest, since I’ve been in Tucson, it’s the lowest I’ve ever felt. There’s some days I don’t feel like trying and other days where I feel completely hopeless. These are rare feelings for me. I don’t claim to have anxiety or depression, because I feel like those terms get thrown around too often because sometimes it’s easier to say than to actually think about what we’re truly feeling. I even stray away from doing the research because I don’t want to know if this is the case for me.
But I just wanted to give y’all a heads up as to why I’ve been gone, mentally, emotionally and physically. My mental health is not what I’m used to and I’m trying to combat it by keeping to myself. My view of the world has been distorted and I don’t want to project that onto anyone, because I know how great it is and can be...I’m just trying to remind myself of when all I saw was possibilities. But unfortunately, I tend to isolate and try to handle things on my own. I know how powerful my energy can be and I don’t want others to think that the season I’m in is the real me. I’m sorry if I haven’t reached out or responded...it’s not you, it’s me, so please don’t take it personally.
But I thought I’d take this opportunity to let y’all know that even the happiest of people may not be happy at all. Don’t let us fool you just because we’re smiling. And sometimes we don’t ask for help because we come off as “strong” and “have it all together,” when really, we’re just trying to keep it together.
With that said, if you choose to reach out, please let it be with activities that remind me of how beautiful this life is. I don’t want to talk about it just yet, I just want to get through it. I hope all of you are well and are taking care of yourselves too. Give yourself a hug for me. :)"
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Today is the first time that I open my porch door and invite 90 degree Arizona "fall" weather into my room. Immediately it reminded me last year when I was living on my own. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I've made much progress since then. If anything, I feel like I've taken a step back or two. I know this isn't the case and I've made progress, but it's hard to believe when I feel like I have nothing to show for.
I remember when I moved here about a year and a half ago, I thought Tucson would be the answer and what I've been looking for. I spoke so highly of the town and couldn't wait to see where I would be next year. Well, next year is already here and I'm ready to leave.
I know leaving isn't the answer, but there's this looming feeling that my first impression has been my last impression. I came off pretty "strong" and "bold" as others would describe, by asking life's big questions in an introduction. Since then, I've been convinced that my energy is not welcomed here after multiple tries. So I've curled inwardly and have kept to myself for the past six months. You would think that this would result in tremendous self-improvement, but I've learned that I thrive off of sharing energy with others. That's why isolation is the ultimate punishment. We're here to connect and for someone who's rarely had a problem connecting, I feel so disconnected.
I know I'm not depressed, at least I don't think I am, but after a quick Google search, I've definitely experienced more symptoms more often than I would like. But I'm still optimistic that I can combat my negative thoughts and self-talk and change my reality.
But there will be days that I don't feel like trying and I give myself permission to be okay with that. I think this season is about letting go of who I used to be. You know, K.Short who wants to be famous. K.Short that is always moving and shaking. K.Short who's always hustling and grinding. I think I'm moving towards Kathleen who wants to make an impact. Kathleen who wants to be balanced. Kathleen who wants to feel connected and cares for others and herself.
It's moving slower than I would like, but I know it's all in good timing. I'm shedding another layer of me to get to the core of who I truly am and the core of who I am feels more than just feelings of motivation and drive, I also feel uncertainty in anything. There's moments that I've given up and days of sadness. There's hours of momentum and minutes of getting sh*t done. Procrastination is a b*tch, but I know I'll get to my destination. It may not be Phoenix or Flagstaff, and it may not be Tucson or Arizona at all, but each city and each chapter has taught me and continues to teach me what I need to learn in this lifetime. But to be honest, I'm totally okay with starting over and coming back as a flower.
But since I'm still here and human, I'll keep trying...
- K.S.
