Listen to Explosions In The Sky - “First Breath After Coma” while reading, because it’s the song I wrote this to.
Dear World,
I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure out how to give back to you. You have given so much and I feel like I have given you so little. I have no one to blame, but myself. I got in my way. I was afraid of not only of my capabilities but of my greatness. I didn’t believe that I deserve all that you had to offer because I have already been given so much. How could I ever repay you? I know-how... by giving to others. But I was convinced that I had to do it in a BIG way because I felt that I was made for some sort of greatness. I knew that I wasn’t going to be the next Martin Luther King Jr. or Mother Theresa, but more like the next Ellen or Oprah. I knew I had it in me, but some things didn’t “click.” I put myself out there and moved with intention, but it wasn’t enough. I had to take bigger risks, swallow my pride and reason and be okay with being the “noob” in the room. I did what I could with what I knew, but the majority of it was excuses.
But it’s too late now. I’ll just be another soul that was privileged enough to take on a human form. The small body that I lived in had so much love to give and didn’t put it in as many hearts as it could. I turned the other cheek and questioned their existence, but that wasn’t for me to answer but to be an answer. I knew when to be still but questioned my certainty. I believed that everyone knew better than I knew me. I knew exactly what to do. I knew exactly what I wanted. And yet…I looked to others. Please give me the answers. Please tell me that I’m doing okay. Please tell me that I’m on the right path. Please tell me that I’m not throwing my potential away. But instead of looking for validation, I should've just been doing. I should’ve made the moves. I should’ve made the mistakes. I should’ve just done something, anything, instead of contemplating and strategizing.
I didn’t get to share all of me with you. And you know what? I think I’m pretty f*cking awesome. Don’t get me wrong, media would get the best of me, but one thing I could be proud of is that I stayed true to myself for the past 30 years. Three decades later, I could proudly say that I’ve continued to be the brat I’ve always been. And even though that may have annoyed others, the ones that mattered saw my heart. Yes, I asked a lot of questions. Yes, I thought I was right most of the time (with valid reasons!). Yes, I had to make the mistakes for myself before letting you lead, but eventually I learned. I learned that on some days I knew something and on most days I knew nothing, but I learned. I think at the end of the day that’s all you could ask from a human being. To just learn. Learn what you can. Learn about yourself, learn about each other, learn about the world, learn about how things work, learn about your history, learn about herstory, learn about how things are made, learn about what we’re made of. Learn about the sky, the moon, and the stars. Learn about the depths of our oceans and the depths of souls.
Continue to be curious. Don’t ever think that we know it all. Don’t take this time for granted. This is the time to connect and reconnect with each other and ourselves. Remember and rescue who we were before social media. Remember who was important to us. Remember what was important to us. Remember who we were before the followers, before being “picture ready,” before getting the right angle. Remember what we did for pure enjoyment before the internet. Was it poetry, skating, or drawing? Journal more, even if it’s just a few sentences a day. Cure our anxiety and depression. Go outside, breathe fresh air, and remember that we’re alive. Lay in a field of grass. Watch the clouds go by. Listen to our heartbeats. Take a deep breath and don’t be afraid of our thoughts. We’ve been given the incredible chance to be human, as messy and messed-up as we come. The best part? It’s all apart of the best story. We are f*cking amazing. We have survived. Can you believe it? Our grandchildren won’t believe us, but we did it. Don’t let this life go to waste.
The greatest tragedy would not be the virus, but if we didn’t learn anything from this.
Hopefully I’ll see you at the end of 2020,
-K.S.