I care about what other people think. Period.
I remember calling every tomboi in my Instagram follower list and asking for their experiences and opinion. About 30 tombois later, I was affirmed that this (TMBINTL) was necessary, but couldn’t help but think that I was crossing someone wrong.
Here are some examples below:
An old mentor who is woke AF asked, “Is it transphobic?” My head started to gather data as to what “phobic” truly meant. My only experience is “homophobic” and if I’m a homosexual, then the answer must be, “No.” Later thinking, “At least I don’t think so.”
I told a new acquaintance my vision and they said, “I think it’s too big for Tucson.” I attempted to hang with their crowd, but I felt like their inclusivity was also their exclusivity. I didn’t know enough to be apart of their crew.
I went hiking with my new co-worker, now partner and was explaining my thought process. I couldn’t quite pinpoint who my audience was, because I didn’t want to be judged by who I wanted to serve.
The truth is…I don’t know if I am “woke” enough to create a space like “this.” I don’t even know what that means, but what’s been holding me back is “woke” folks asking questions with their social justice linguistics. Honestly, it’s just so easy to get caught up in all the hype and pretending like I know what they’re talking about by putting the pieces together, but honestly…I’m lost and still learning.
As someone who values inclusivity, I couldn’t help but think that I’m leaving people out.
The constant questions were, do I include:
White folks
Femme folks
Trans folks
After three years of deliberation:
No, because I don’t want to take up time and space having to explain white privilege and all that comes with whiteness
Yes, if they identify on the masculine of center spectrum
Yes, if they feel this space serves them
I want to make this clear, the audience I’ve chosen to serve is due to my own experiences. I want to help my younger self. For the first 18 years of my life, I presented femme, for many moments in between, I’ve questioned the connection between my body and my soul, but at the end of the day, I’m just a little brown girl with a lot of questions that have gone unanswered. I am not an expert on anything. I know nothing.
The reality is, I’m just one person and I don’t think it’s wrong of me to be specific on who I want to help. If I wanted to help everybody, I would’ve continued my degree in education and became a teacher, but obviously, that wasn’t the case. I strongly dislike thinking that there’s going to be students in my classroom that don’t want to be there, it makes me not want to be there. I was a substitute teacher for a semester, just to make sure that I wasn’t missing out on anything. I wasn’t. What is so wrong with wanting to help people who WANT to be helped? If folks have a problem with what I am creating, then I encourage them to create spaces that serve them. There are 7 billion people in the world and I am attempting to do my part in helping my tiny corner in the Universe.
This space is being created because after three decades of life, I have yet to find a space that fits my needs. Trust me, I am the Queen/King of Research and there was nothing out there that I felt like could be my home away from home. So I’ve decided to create it myself…
I am creating this space to be surrounded by folks like myself, those who live their lives at the intersection of adversity; being born a queer woman of color. I am creating this space to ask as many questions as I want with hopes of getting answers. I am creating this space to explore my curiosity and cure my wonder. I can research the answers myself, but I would rather hear it from the horse’s mouth. We are storytellers and I want to hear your truth. I want my opinions and perspectives to shift. I want to learn about how others live. I want to gather your stories and make sense of myself. I know nothing, that is my truth.
This space will change. This space will grow. I know and I am open to that. But at the beginning of this process, I want to focus on watering just a few seeds, before watering a garden.
Please see my heart and know that my intention isn’t to hurt or exclude others, but just to learn about myself before learning about others. I am not perfect. If I am going about this the “wrong” way, let me learn along the way. I have a ton of questions that I can’t wait to be answered. I look forward to the growth of this space, but let’s just plant the seed first.
-K.S.