Yesterday, I was subbing for a computer class and everything was good, until the last period. There was a few students that weren't there the day before, so the relationship hadn't been built. One student in particular was FaceTiming a friend. I didn't care that she was on her phone, I cared that she was disrupting the rest of the class. So when I approached her and asked if she can take her phone call outside, she said, "Get the f*ck away from me." Stunned. I walked to the phone and called the front office for security. I stood by the door as they gathered their things and as they walked out, they attacked my gender identity. The security had not arrived yet by the time she was walking away from the building, but when I told them who it was, the security guard already knew who the student was, which made me believe that this wasn't new to them.
By the time I shut the door, I can hear my heart beating out of my chest and tears falling down my face. I'm crying as I write this and I'm trying figure out what cord she struck in me and why it hurts so badly. Silly me for letting a middle school bully get the best of me, but it feels like a mixture of being pissed. Pissed that I couldn't do anything about it, pissed that her "village" is failing her and that she thinks she can act that way, pissed that her actual teachers have to put up with that, pissed that our schools aren't being supported by our local or national government, pissed that parents give teachers sh*t, pissed that teachers have become babysitters, and overall, just pissed at myself for not being as strong as I thought I was.
The hardest thing to accept is that I created this reality. That where I'm at in every aspect of my life is a result of my thoughts and feelings and I'm clearly not (overall) happy. It's because of me that I have short list of people to call, it's because of me that I'm flipping used clothes, it's because of me that I don't look the way that I'd like, it's because of me that I'm not doing the work I'd like to be doing, it's because of me that my spirit is depleting, and it's because of me that my mind has weakened. I have no one to blame, but myself.
But I also know that it's only up to me to change it. As bad as I want to write a motivational comeback and that I'm going to do something about it, it's difficult to do when feelings of happiness are fleeting. I want to give up most days and not even try, but you see, I'm an Aries and there's always a little fire burning inside of me that tells me to keep going. So I try in even the smallest ways. It may be journaling, planning, going for a walk, calling a friend, doing chores, going for a bike ride, skating, getting a haircut, or cleaning my space. I used to be able to do multiple things a day with utter enthusiasm, but I give myself grace and am proud of myself if I do just one.
But I can also be stubborn and unfortunately, I've convinced myself that I'll feel more feelings of happiness elsewhere. Not here. Not in this town.
But while I'm here, that student was the punch in the gut I needed to get my sh*t together. I absolutely refuse to be or work in a space where that kind of behavior from anyone is acceptable. All I need to do is create it.
- K.S.
P.S. One thing I would always say as to why I didn't choose to be a teacher in the classroom, "I don't want to teach students who don't want to be there on a curriculum I'm not passionate about." Well, it looks like it's time to make that a reality.