Dear World...If I Die, I'm Sorry.

Listen to Explosions In The Sky - “First Breath After Coma” while reading, because it’s the song I wrote this to.

Dear World,

I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure out how to give back to you. You have given so much and I feel like I have given you so little. I have no one to blame, but myself. I got in my way. I was afraid of not only of my capabilities but of my greatness. I didn’t believe that I deserve all that you had to offer because I have already been given so much. How could I ever repay you? I know-how... by giving to others. But I was convinced that I had to do it in a BIG way because I felt that I was made for some sort of greatness. I knew that I wasn’t going to be the next Martin Luther King Jr. or Mother Theresa, but more like the next Ellen or Oprah. I knew I had it in me, but some things didn’t “click.” I put myself out there and moved with intention, but it wasn’t enough. I had to take bigger risks, swallow my pride and reason and be okay with being the “noob” in the room. I did what I could with what I knew, but the majority of it was excuses.

But it’s too late now. I’ll just be another soul that was privileged enough to take on a human form. The small body that I lived in had so much love to give and didn’t put it in as many hearts as it could. I turned the other cheek and questioned their existence, but that wasn’t for me to answer but to be an answer. I knew when to be still but questioned my certainty. I believed that everyone knew better than I knew me. I knew exactly what to do. I knew exactly what I wanted. And yet…I looked to others. Please give me the answers. Please tell me that I’m doing okay. Please tell me that I’m on the right path. Please tell me that I’m not throwing my potential away. But instead of looking for validation, I should've just been doing. I should’ve made the moves. I should’ve made the mistakes. I should’ve just done something, anything, instead of contemplating and strategizing.

I didn’t get to share all of me with you. And you know what? I think I’m pretty f*cking awesome. Don’t get me wrong, media would get the best of me, but one thing I could be proud of is that I stayed true to myself for the past 30 years. Three decades later, I could proudly say that I’ve continued to be the brat I’ve always been. And even though that may have annoyed others, the ones that mattered saw my heart. Yes, I asked a lot of questions. Yes, I thought I was right most of the time (with valid reasons!). Yes, I had to make the mistakes for myself before letting you lead, but eventually I learned. I learned that on some days I knew something and on most days I knew nothing, but I learned. I think at the end of the day that’s all you could ask from a human being. To just learn. Learn what you can. Learn about yourself, learn about each other, learn about the world, learn about how things work, learn about your history, learn about herstory, learn about how things are made, learn about what we’re made of. Learn about the sky, the moon, and the stars. Learn about the depths of our oceans and the depths of souls.

Continue to be curious. Don’t ever think that we know it all. Don’t take this time for granted. This is the time to connect and reconnect with each other and ourselves. Remember and rescue who we were before social media. Remember who was important to us. Remember what was important to us. Remember who we were before the followers, before being “picture ready,” before getting the right angle. Remember what we did for pure enjoyment before the internet. Was it poetry, skating, or drawing? Journal more, even if it’s just a few sentences a day. Cure our anxiety and depression. Go outside, breathe fresh air, and remember that we’re alive. Lay in a field of grass. Watch the clouds go by. Listen to our heartbeats. Take a deep breath and don’t be afraid of our thoughts. We’ve been given the incredible chance to be human, as messy and messed-up as we come. The best part? It’s all apart of the best story. We are f*cking amazing. We have survived. Can you believe it? Our grandchildren won’t believe us, but we did it. Don’t let this life go to waste.

The greatest tragedy would not be the virus, but if we didn’t learn anything from this.

Hopefully I’ll see you at the end of 2020,

-K.S.

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#ASKSHORT

What Took Me So Long To Launch

I care about what other people think. Period.

I remember calling every tomboi in my Instagram follower list and asking for their experiences and opinion. About 30 tombois later, I was affirmed that this (TMBINTL) was necessary, but couldn’t help but think that I was crossing someone wrong.

Here are some examples below:

1. An old mentor who is woke AF asked, “Is it transphobic?” My head started to gather data as to what “phobic” truly meant. My only experience is “homophobic” and if I’m a homosexual, then the answer must be, “No.” Later thinking, “At least I don’t think so.”

2. I told a new acquaintance my vision and they said, “I think it’s too big for Tucson.” I attempted to hang with their crowd, but I felt like their inclusivity was also their exclusivity. I didn’t know enough to be apart of their crew.

3. I went hiking with my new co-worker, now partner and was explaining my thought process. I couldn’t quite pinpoint who my audience was, because I didn’t want to be judged by who I wanted to serve.

The truth is…I don’t know if I am “woke” enough to create a space like “this.” I don’t even know what that means, but what’s been holding me back is “woke” folks asking questions with their social justice linguistics. Honestly, it’s just so easy to get caught up in all the hype and pretending like I know what they’re talking about by putting the pieces together, but honestly…I’m lost and still learning.

As someone who values inclusivity, I couldn’t help but think that I’m leaving people out.

The constant questions were, do I include:

1. White folks

2. Femme folks

3. Trans folks

After three years of deliberation:

1. No, because I don’t want to take up time and space having to explain white privilege and all that comes with whiteness

2. Yes, if they identify on the masculine of center spectrum

3. Yes, if they feel this space serves them

I want to make this clear, the audience I’ve chosen to serve is due to my own experiences. I want to help my younger self. For the first 18 years of my life, I presented femme, for many moments in between, I’ve questioned the connection between my body and my soul, but at the end of the day, I’m just a little brown girl with a lot of questions that have gone unanswered. I am not an expert on anything. I know nothing.

The reality is, I’m just one person and I don’t think it’s wrong of me to be specific on who I want to help. If I wanted to help everybody, I would’ve continued my degree in education and became a teacher, but obviously, that wasn’t the case. I strongly dislike thinking that there’s going to be students in my classroom that don’t want to be there, it makes me not want to be there. I was a substitute teacher for a semester, just to make sure that I wasn’t missing out on anything. I wasn’t. What is so wrong with wanting to help people who WANT to be helped? If folks have a problem with what I am creating, then I encourage them to create spaces that serve them. There are 7 billion people in the world and I am attempting to do my part in helping my tiny corner in the Universe.

This space is being created because after three decades of life, I have yet to find a space that fits my needs. Trust me, I am the Queen/King of Research and there was nothing out there that I felt like could be my home away from home. So I’ve decided to create it myself…

I am creating this space to be surrounded by folks like myself, those who live their lives at the intersection of adversity; being born a queer woman of color. I am creating this space to ask as many questions as I want with hopes of getting answers. I am creating this space to explore my curiosity and cure my wonder. I can research the answers myself, but I would rather hear it from the horse’s mouth. We are storytellers and I want to hear your truth. I want my opinions and perspectives to shift. I want to learn about how others live. I want to gather your stories and make sense of myself. I know nothing, that is my truth.

This space will change. This space will grow. I know and I am open to that. But at the beginning of this process, I want to focus on watering just a few seeds, before watering a garden.

Please see my heart and know that my intention isn’t to hurt or exclude others, but just to learn about myself before learning about others. I am not perfect. If I am going about this the “wrong” way, let me learn along the way. I have a ton of questions that I can’t wait to be answered. I look forward to the growth of this space, but let’s just plant the seed first.

-K.S.

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#ASKSHORT

Why Tomboi International?

It was mid-2016 and the unknown conversation of Tomboi stemmed from an existing platform. I reached out to the creator after they had posted that they felt like they weren’t doing enough for our community. I pitched them the idea of having different cohorts in different cities, pulling my experience from Gamma Alpha Omega Sorority. I offered to build a community in Phoenix under their brand. They were down for it.

2017 came and I found myself helping an old friend build a media platform. I took it as my own and again, intended for it to be necessary for other cities. I met with creatives weekly and created space for them on and offline to showcase their talents and come together as I believed were the next city on the rise.

Unfortunately, we had different visions for the platform, so we parted ways. I continued to bring the creative community together through an intimate open mic until I decided to move to Tucson in 2018.

Living on my own for the first time and not having any connections yet, this is when I gathered and reflected on all of my experiences and attempted to connect the dots.

• How can I continue to create videos, podcasts, and photography?

• How can I be a teacher with students that want to be there and teaching a curriculum that’s useful and I’m passionate about?

• How can I still host events on and off stage?

• How can I still be a student and gain access to experts and professionals and ask them any questions I want?

• How can I foster a deep connection and community?

• How can I create something that’s bigger than myself and will keep my interest for a lifetime?

• How can I create something that is all over the world (because it’s the 21st century and we have the internet) and no matter where I’ll go, I’d be taken care of? And how can that be true for others?

• How can I empower others?

• How can I still be apart of the entertainment industry without actually being apart of it?

• How can I not be the only one in the room that looks like myself?

• How can I create curious, interesting, and important conversations without judgment?

• How can I help others share their stories while sharing my own?

• How can I foster a space where I can be all of myself, but still be given loving feedback?

• How can truly be an integral part of a community?

• How can I create something that I needed when I was younger, today and for the future?

I continued to ask myself questions like this and gathered all of my past experiences that made me feel like the most “me.” What it came down to was recognizing how privileged I was to have these experiences in college and how can I recreate that for girls like myself without having to go to college. And if they do choose to go to college, how can I create safe spaces for them to funnel through to adulthood?

In the heat of June, it came to me. Tomboi International. To be honest, but unsure and transparent, I think I was browsing an ex’s Instagram and they worked for a nightclub called International, but they abbreviate it INTL. As for Tomboi, I saw that it was also able to be abbreviated to TMB and envisioned them stacked on each other as a logo. I was able to envision it and that was enough for me.

Q: Why the term “tomboi?”

A: It was the first term I heard that signified that I was different from the rest of the girls.

Q: Why international?

A: We have the internet, so why not try for the world?

-K.S.

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#ASKSHORT