Feel Like A Failure

In my last post, I talked about how I've been struggling mentally. The way I've been combatting it is by getting involved with the community by volunteering at festivals, conferences, and events. For the past two days, I've had the opportunity to attend the Ten West Impact Festival where each day had workshops that focused on a particular "role" that people play in our society. The two days I attended were creatives and educators, as I've been in the process of creating a platform that merges the two.

Today was focused on educators and as I was sitting in my first workshop, the speaker asked who was in the room if they weren't an educator. I raised my hand and began by saying, "I'm a product of an Arizona education..." and the next thing you know, tears begin to roll down my face and my words are caught in the back of my throat. I had no idea where these emotions were coming from, but they spilled out of me uncontrollably.

Embarrassed and ashamed that I started the conference like that, all I wanted to do was leave and take the day for myself to process these feelings, but something told me to stay and stick with it. So I let the emotions pass, got myself together and continued to attend workshops.

Throughout the day, people approached me to offer a solution or advice and some would say, "I love how passionate you are!" and I guess if you call crying, passion, I'll take it.

For the first time, I was sharing my idea of Tomboi International in an easy-to-understand way. "I'm creating a mentorship program for young tomboi girls like myself." That's when people began to give me their cards to get in touch because they had something to offer or wanted to collaborate. These moments became the first time that I truly felt like I made some progress in Tucson.

But as I reflect on how I felt this morning, I think I just feel like I have been failed as a student and child in Arizona. Even though it may not seem like it, as I'm naturally an optimistic go-getter, I still feel like a failure. I'm going to be 30 next year and it sounds like a familiar feeling for those who have gotten this far, but I can't help, but think that I should be so much further along than where I actually am and it doesn't help that my Facebook Memories is reminding me that I won Homecoming King seven years ago with Tony Peña.

Again, this brings me back to letting go of who that person was and the standards I've created for myself. I know that I'm not a failure, I continue to fail because I'm trying and because I'm trying that means I'm learning and I know that it's apart of the process to what I define as success.

So as I wipe my tears away, I'll try again tomorrow...

- K.S.

My Mental Health

Instagram Post:

"Sooo...how do I start this? After scrolling through my feed, I learned that today is #MentalHealthDay and when it comes to my mental health, I thought I had it covered. But to be honest, since I’ve been in Tucson, it’s the lowest I’ve ever felt. There’s some days I don’t feel like trying and other days where I feel completely hopeless. These are rare feelings for me. I don’t claim to have anxiety or depression, because I feel like those terms get thrown around too often because sometimes it’s easier to say than to actually think about what we’re truly feeling. I even stray away from doing the research because I don’t want to know if this is the case for me.
But I just wanted to give y’all a heads up as to why I’ve been gone, mentally, emotionally and physically. My mental health is not what I’m used to and I’m trying to combat it by keeping to myself. My view of the world has been distorted and I don’t want to project that onto anyone, because I know how great it is and can be...I’m just trying to remind myself of when all I saw was possibilities. But unfortunately, I tend to isolate and try to handle things on my own. I know how powerful my energy can be and I don’t want others to think that the season I’m in is the real me. I’m sorry if I haven’t reached out or responded...it’s not you, it’s me, so please don’t take it personally.
But I thought I’d take this opportunity to let y’all know that even the happiest of people may not be happy at all. Don’t let us fool you just because we’re smiling. And sometimes we don’t ask for help because we come off as “strong” and “have it all together,” when really, we’re just trying to keep it together.
With that said, if you choose to reach out, please let it be with activities that remind me of how beautiful this life is. I don’t want to talk about it just yet, I just want to get through it. I hope all of you are well and are taking care of yourselves too. Give yourself a hug for me. :)"

---

Today is the first time that I open my porch door and invite 90 degree Arizona "fall" weather into my room. Immediately it reminded me last year when I was living on my own. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I've made much progress since then. If anything, I feel like I've taken a step back or two. I know this isn't the case and I've made progress, but it's hard to believe when I feel like I have nothing to show for.

I remember when I moved here about a year and a half ago, I thought Tucson would be the answer and what I've been looking for. I spoke so highly of the town and couldn't wait to see where I would be next year. Well, next year is already here and I'm ready to leave.

I know leaving isn't the answer, but there's this looming feeling that my first impression has been my last impression. I came off pretty "strong" and "bold" as others would describe, by asking life's big questions in an introduction. Since then, I've been convinced that my energy is not welcomed here after multiple tries. So I've curled inwardly and have kept to myself for the past six months. You would think that this would result in tremendous self-improvement, but I've learned that I thrive off of sharing energy with others. That's why isolation is the ultimate punishment. We're here to connect and for someone who's rarely had a problem connecting, I feel so disconnected.

I know I'm not depressed, at least I don't think I am, but after a quick Google search, I've definitely experienced more symptoms more often than I would like. But I'm still optimistic that I can combat my negative thoughts and self-talk and change my reality.

But there will be days that I don't feel like trying and I give myself permission to be okay with that. I think this season is about letting go of who I used to be. You know, K.Short who wants to be famous. K.Short that is always moving and shaking. K.Short who's always hustling and grinding. I think I'm moving towards Kathleen who wants to make an impact. Kathleen who wants to be balanced. Kathleen who wants to feel connected and cares for others and herself.

It's moving slower than I would like, but I know it's all in good timing. I'm shedding another layer of me to get to the core of who I truly am and the core of who I am feels more than just feelings of motivation and drive, I also feel uncertainty in anything. There's moments that I've given up and days of sadness. There's hours of momentum and minutes of getting sh*t done. Procrastination is a b*tch, but I know I'll get to my destination. It may not be Phoenix or Flagstaff, and it may not be Tucson or Arizona at all, but each city and each chapter has taught me and continues to teach me what I need to learn in this lifetime. But to be honest, I'm totally okay with starting over and coming back as a flower.

But since I'm still here and human, I'll keep trying...

- K.S.

Punch in the Gut

Yesterday, I was subbing for a computer class and everything was good, until the last period. There was a few students that weren't there the day before, so the relationship hadn't been built. One student in particular was FaceTiming a friend. I didn't care that she was on her phone, I cared that she was disrupting the rest of the class. So when I approached her and asked if she can take her phone call outside, she said, "Get the f*ck away from me." Stunned. I walked to the phone and called the front office for security. I stood by the door as they gathered their things and as they walked out, they attacked my gender identity. The security had not arrived yet by the time she was walking away from the building, but when I told them who it was, the security guard already knew who the student was, which made me believe that this wasn't new to them.

By the time I shut the door, I can hear my heart beating out of my chest and tears falling down my face. I'm crying as I write this and I'm trying figure out what cord she struck in me and why it hurts so badly. Silly me for letting a middle school bully get the best of me, but it feels like a mixture of being pissed. Pissed that I couldn't do anything about it, pissed that her "village" is failing her and that she thinks she can act that way, pissed that her actual teachers have to put up with that, pissed that our schools aren't being supported by our local or national government, pissed that parents give teachers sh*t, pissed that teachers have become babysitters, and overall, just pissed at myself for not being as strong as I thought I was.

The hardest thing to accept is that I created this reality. That where I'm at in every aspect of my life is a result of my thoughts and feelings and I'm clearly not (overall) happy. It's because of me that I have short list of people to call, it's because of me that I'm flipping used clothes, it's because of me that I don't look the way that I'd like, it's because of me that I'm not doing the work I'd like to be doing, it's because of me that my spirit is depleting, and it's because of me that my mind has weakened. I have no one to blame, but myself.

But I also know that it's only up to me to change it. As bad as I want to write a motivational comeback and that I'm going to do something about it, it's difficult to do when feelings of happiness are fleeting. I want to give up most days and not even try, but you see, I'm an Aries and there's always a little fire burning inside of me that tells me to keep going. So I try in even the smallest ways. It may be journaling, planning, going for a walk, calling a friend, doing chores, going for a bike ride, skating, getting a haircut, or cleaning my space. I used to be able to do multiple things a day with utter enthusiasm, but I give myself grace and am proud of myself if I do just one.

But I can also be stubborn and unfortunately, I've convinced myself that I'll feel more feelings of happiness elsewhere. Not here. Not in this town.

But while I'm here, that student was the punch in the gut I needed to get my sh*t together. I absolutely refuse to be or work in a space where that kind of behavior from anyone is acceptable. All I need to do is create it.

- K.S.

P.S. One thing I would always say as to why I didn't choose to be a teacher in the classroom, "I don't want to teach students who don't want to be there on a curriculum I'm not passionate about." Well, it looks like it's time to make that a reality.

Patient Endurance

Hi and good morning,

Earlier today, I had the chance to catch the sunrise. It was brisk and you can feel that fall was coming. I stayed up for a bit before finding myself under the covers watching another episode of The Fosters. In this moment I would usually say, "I don't watch TV," but that was a habit that was created to ensure that I graduated from college. But since I'm currently in the process of letting go of who I used to be and the box I put myself in, today I say, "I don't watch TV often."

After an episode and a half, we begin to get into the little battles of decision-making. First decision, do I wake up and be productive or do I watch another episode? Episode, but I need to get up at 10:00 AM. Onto breakfast, do I make breakfast or do I pop in bagel? Bagel, but use butter, instead of cream cheese. I'm trying to learn to do what I want, but with limits. Before, I would just choose the one I thought was best for me and is better for me, because I wanted to make my ideal self happy, but I would stamp my feet through it. I'm learning to not to be so hard on myself. Something I've taken on over the years, since I didn't feel like I was receiving it from my parents or guardians. Silly, I know, but there's just something in me that says, "Even though you don't have to answer to others, you do have to answer to yourself at the end of the day" and I want to make myself proud. Some would say that I am my own worst critic, but I'm learning to give myself patience and grace every day, whether it be watching an episode or eating a bagel.

So even though I'm currently not at the best I've ever been and I've certainly seen a better effort from myself, I'm giving myself permission to feel my feelings and doing what I want, regardless if I'm exchanging it for calories or "less-productive" time. Yes, I'm in this slow season, but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying and giving effort. I'm allowing myself to be patient as I endure every day.

endurance (noun)

the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way: she was close to the limit of her endurance. • the capacity of something to last or to withstand wear and tear.

So whatever you're going through and whatever season you're in, give yourself grace folks and know that this season needs to happen and all we can do is try and show up as our best selves on that day. It will look different every day, to you and to others, but don't stop trying, don't stop enduring and be patient...this too shall pass.

Ok, gotta get to work now! See ya!

- K.S.

Divine Appointment

When it comes to social media, particularly Instagram, where it can be considered "passive" support or engagement. It's one thing to double-tap, it's another to comment, and it's a whole other thing to actually reach out. Well, here I go...passively double-tapping on your photos/videos and then I receive a text. *ding*

"Hey Sis, just checking in on you. I hope not only are you at peace, but you are prospering in Tucson with a collective of people who love you!"

"Ha, have time for a call?"

"Of course I do! Something told me I needed to check on you."

*ring ring* 2 hours and 6 miles later and we have completed our divine appointment. I learned about the difference between Wix/Squarespace/WordPress VS. an actual web developer and how God can be considered the (web) developers of our lives. We can either copy and paste with pre-made templates or we can ask God for what we want, work for it and be patient as he develops it, but on his own timing. We can either apply a temporary template that looks great in the moment (the house, the car, the career and the 2.5 kids) and is even considered "on trend" or "on-time" or we can wait...wait...wait...until it's the right time in divine time.

Moments like these, where actions were taken place, time and space was shared, and motivation was evoked, it's hard not to believe that it'll all work out in the end.

And you know what the crazy, but best part about it is? It's with someone who'd be the last person I would've ever thought of and that just shows the true power in lasting impressions. We pass by hundreds of people a day and for some reason, that ones you thought were just in passing may actually be the most impactful.

Stay tuned...

- K.S.

https://www.dictionaryofchristianese.com/divine-appointment/

30 in 2020

Can you feel it? The energy of 2020. I don't know about you, but I have high hopes for the upcoming year. Maybe I'm setting myself up for failure and having too much expectations, but there's nothing wrong with setting intentions. Another thing that will be happening in 2020 is that I'll be turning 30. How the heck did I get here so quickly? I swear I was just on the playground yesterday. Maybe it's because I was by subbing for a P.E. class last week. Hehe.

There's nothing I want more than for big changes to happen in 2020, but the reality is that nothing will change if I do nothing about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm not actually here and that time doesn't exist, but my lower-back says otherwise.

For the past year, I've never felt more stuck, frustrated or hopeless in my entire life. These are unfamiliar feelings. I'm usually optimistic, motivated, and resilient, but I've felt more lows than highs, unless I was actually high.

The hard part is that I know I have all the answers to my questions. I know what I have to do to get to where I want to be, but I found myself chasing my own tail and distracted with mundane tasks, like over organizing my e-mails, text messages, and photos.

A few reasons (I think) why:

1. I stopped creating. No podcasts. No videos. No posts. (That's why this blog exists).

2. I'm constantly in a place where I don't want to be. My two jobs, apartment, and this town.

3. Difficulty connecting with others and finding community.

4. New projects didn't lift off as easy as they used to.

5. Me.

What I'm learning from this season is letting go of who I used to be and what I thought I wanted. It's difficult when I really liked who I was. Yes, naive, ignorant and even arrogant, but I felt confident, unstoppable, and ready to take on the world. Unfortunately and fortunately, I got my *ss handed to me. And it hasn't even been that bad, but my little heart can only take so much. I know God knows what He's doing, but damn...I can't wait for the come up!

So I'm just reveling in the uncomfortable and unsure. It's frustrating and even annoying, but I know it's happening for good reason. I know I need to go through this, so I can come back stronger and better than before.

-K.S.

Hi, My Name Is...

Kathleen Short,

but most people know me by K.Short by now. If you call me Kathleen, then you're either an ex-lover, someone who knew me before college, or my dentist.

The pictures below were taken in 2016 at my elementary school in West Phoenix (aka Maryvale) called Palm Lane Elementary. As a kid and even now, I can get along with pretty much anybody, besides the bullies. I never had a specific group and wanted everyone to play together and get along. You can say I was a teacher's pet, but a rascal at the same time. I would consider myself a B+ student in school and in life. I wasn't the best, but I was usually in the top percentile. I had potential, but I didn't like rules and authority, so I was usually "second string" in many things, whether it was in sports, academics, or extra-curricular activities. This still rings true to do this day, whether, in love or career, I just can't seem to find my "thing." Some would call me a "jack(ie)-of-all trades," a master of none.

For a while, I blamed my immigrant parents for not "being there." Not being at my games, shows, parent-teacher conferences, and barely even graduations. They didn't put me in karate or band, theater, or tennis, they just said, "Get good grades, graduate, and go to college." That was their American Dream.

That was five years ago and I'm still not in a career. Some would say that I tend to sleep on myself, but I can't help but think that I'm just a big disappointment to everyone who's ever believed in me. *sigh* This isn't a self-pity party, it's my temporary reality. I still believe that I'll make it to where I want to be, but I can't lie...I feel like I'm holding on to the last string of hope from this kid on the playground.

-K.S.